Crossroads

What should I do? I have to make a huge decision.

Become a doctor? Work my ass off forever? Forever... I could have money and... wow. Is that the only perk? That, and occupational prestige?

Become a physical therapist? Be mediocre? I'm mediocre now, but I wasn't always that way.

Which one is me? Which am I supposed to be? Which one would I rather be? Which one is better?

Will I be the best at what I do no matter what it is? Or am I not that intelligent and motivated? I know I used to be.



I just spent 5 minutes talking to my reflection. The reflection is the enemy. I gave it a pep talk, and it understands that it is:
Fat.
Unmotivated.
Pathetic.
Indecisive.
FUCKING LAZY.

It's all going to change.

Why Can't I Change?

"You ask me how I'm doing, I would say I'm doing just fine. I would lie and say that you're not on my mind."

I need the old me back. Now.

I might fail a class, maybe two. Who does that? Not me. Definitely not me.

Mixed emotions. I have a boyfriend as of yesterday! :)

Regretting the Present, Wishing for the Past, and Anxious for the Future

All I want to do is go back to my old ways. There is a good chance that I'll fail TWO classes this semester and get a B in another one of my classes. That's an abomination.

I'm dating someone, which is good. Having an interest in 6 guys was too much to handle. Hence the horrible grades.

I'm losing weight! I'm also giving up on ballet entirely. I guess "hopeful ballerina" is a bad name for this blog now... I've lost all hope and I'm not a ballerina.

Bad Choices

I'm fat and failing.

High school secret truths

My recovering-anorexic/bulimic best friend from high school just drunk video chat dialed me...

Me: "well, now that I'm not skinny I can't date skinny guys."
Her recovering-anorexic (drunk) roommate: "Don't become anorexic. It's bad!"
My best friend: "Well, Alison's been there done that."

We've never talked about that before. It's the truth, and we both always knew it.

Getting Older

I'm no longer this little girl, wasting away at her desk existing on a diet of toast and watermelon, getting straight A's, and spending free time in ballet classes. Now I'm growing up, spending time on my appearance, eating foods that contain fat, flirting with half the guys I meet, and hoping I can manage A's.

Life changes. Go with it.

Slipping...

My grades are slipping. My weekly weight fluctuations are worrisome. My study habits are disintegrating. My period is late.

I need to be in control of my life like I used to be. I thought I was living "normally:" I had...
"normal" grades: all A's
"normal" weight: 105-113
"normal" social life: 4 best friends

I was wrong.

Now, I am "normal," and I hate it.
Normal grades: B's
Normal weight: 126
Normal social life: lots of friends plus a f-buddy.

I can't live like this anymore.

Things need to change and I am the only person who can change them

I can be stressed and get A's or I can be upset (have "fun"- grey's anatomy...?) And get B's. NOT OK.

Let's fix this thing. Now.

Life!!!

What is this?? All I want to do is be able to relax. I'm so nervous about the future. Before, all I had to do was get good grades, but now I have to do so much more than that. Plus, I think I have a social life... What!? Hahaha

I've been having a lot of hip pain, and according to Chinese medicine, it comes from being nervous about moving forward in life. The hip moves you forward literally when you walk... the Chinese are so smart.

It's ok to have a friend with benefits, right? But what if I have a crush on his best friend? And what if I haven't gotten over my ex-friend with benefits? And what about those other two guys I'm flirting with? Whoopsies. I have an awful lot on my plate. Or maybe I'm just a flirt. Or maybe I'm just looking for external gratification. I'm gonna go with the last one.

The song "Keep Breathing" just started playing. Very appropriate.

Germophobia (or maybe not)

I dropped my birth control pill on the floor and I thought to myself, "Eat dirt or get pregnant. Come on, EAT THE DIRT!"

People are Stupid

Stupidity annoys me, and it's everywhere. It's a problem.

Feeling unwanted

You can't feel unwanted if you have never had someone want you. After you meet someone who shows that they always want you and you lose that, then (and only then) do you know what it feels like to feel unwanted. And then you feel it all of the time. Straight A's and good music don't make that go away. Knowing you're pretty and talented doesn't make that go away. Having friends doesn't make that go away. Eating doesn't make that go away, in fact, chocolate makes you feel worse, but you eat it anyways to fill the void.

STOP EATING- always the solution. Being skinny makes you wanted.

August 13th was NOT the start.

So, I didn't make it on August 13th, or on September 13th. But now, now it is time.

I kept gaining weight until I left home to go college on August 23rd. I stayed steady for my first couple of weeks here. Now, I am fed up. I need to be skinny again. I binged the other day, and ended up vomiting (accidentally!!). Not cool. That was the turning point for me.
It's time. Let's do this.

Day One of My Old Lifestyle

Going back to what I used to be.  103 pounds and happy.  Mark my words- by May 2012 I will get there.

Ballet class makes me feel like a fat, malfunctioning, uncoordinated robot.

That can be fixed... by losing 30 pounds. LET'S DO THIS THING.

Beautiful!

It is absolutely stunning!

Unfortunately, this is not me. 

Cleaning up my life!

CLEANING CLEANING CLEANING! ALL DAY LONG!  I cleaned out my closet and I found a lot of old photo albums and diaries, as well as old childhood toys.  Sometimes I wonder whether I was spoiled or if I am just a hoarder! Probably a combination of both...

Anyways, I'm trying to clean up my room before I go back to college.  I want to keep only really important things from my childhood because I don't have enough space to keep everything forever!  A lot of it means so much to me, but it's not really all that important.  I hope to have an emptier room when I leave for college because I really need to move on with my life and grow up!  I'm hoping that cleaning out my childhood room will make me feel older. When I come here, I still feel like a child.  I need to become more of an adult, get my "first" job, lose weight, make more friends/connections, and BE HAPPY.  

Lessons of the day:

Cats are the best.

Don't obsess over men.

I should be sleeping!

It's 2:30 am and I am still awake. Each night I go to sleep just a little bit later... And I know it's not good for me! In a month when I am back in college I will wish that I had nights like this to sleep from 11 pm until noon the next day!!!

Staying awake is very irresponsible of me, so now it's time for sleep and to give me my fingers a break from getting arthritis! :(

From my email!

I hope this worked! Usually I'm good with technology...

First day of my blog!

Well, I have finally joined the blogging world. I don't think anyone will ever read my blog, but that could be a good thing... I just want to get my thoughts out of my head, I guess! My mom and I had a discussion about the fact that what people post on the internet lasts forever, so here I am making my thoughts last longer than myself!  If that's not egotistical, then I don't know what is... But who doesn't want to think they're important?

I always used to write in a diary, like all little girls, but now I don't like the physical act of writing. Typing is so much more fun, and for people like me the result is much neater.  This is going to be a diary that I can never lose, not that I lose things... I mean, everything is in my room somewhere...

What I have learned today:
Patience.